Saturday, December 1, 2001

graduation // OhmyfuckingwordgraduationisoverIcan'tbelieveImadeitthroughthewholething.

What a frikkin' day. Of course, I'm too pooped to write much so I'm just sending along a copy of my graduation speech. It was well received and I am honored and grateful that I was allowed to read it. I'm afraid you won't get most of the references unless you've been through the training. Here it is...

"I have a confession to make. I came to Bikram's Torture Chamber by mistake. When I applied I thought I was enrolling in Big Larry's Yoga College. And when I arrived here in La-La-Land I was sure that I'd be sitting serenely through nine weeks of Om-Shakti-Shanti Yoga quietly contemplating my navel. As soon as I realized my mistake I considered bailing out but then someone pointed out the "no refund" clause in the fine print of what had previously been referred to as an application but now was being called a contract.

Starting to wonder if I'd been tricked into joining a cult, or at least the world's sweatiest multi-level marketing scheme, I nonetheless loaded up the back of my car with copious amounts of Emergen-C, Ibuprofen, Epsom Salts, Tiger Balm and pimple cream, cancelled the weekend surfing lessons I had pre-scheduled and steeled myself for sixty days of playing Twister with 270 strangers. It was recommended to me that I buy some ear plugs which were supposed to be helpful when studying the dialogue but to this day I'm baffled as to why nobody suggested nose plugs.

I describe my fellow trainees as strangers during those first few fretful days but, in truth, I immediately felt a sense of kinship and comraderie with all of them. Their names sounded oddly familiar and their faces looked inexplicably recognizable as if they were long lost friends newly found. I felt like I was back in third grade which was alternately exciting and frightening. Exciting because it was like having a second chance at growing up and frightening because, well, it meant growing up. Fortunately, it also meant letting go of a lifetime of bad habits which I had learned to hold on to like thousands of little insecurity blankets.

In the end, in spite of the hardships, or perhaps more accurately because of them, it was as rewarding (and entertaining) as it was challenging. I mean, what other style of yoga includes postures with names like Sassy Gasana, Diana Rossana and Souped Up Vagina? Sure it was painful. But it was a sweet pain, almost a blueberry cheesecake kind of pain without which I might simply have been hanging out in a sweaty room.

Did anyone notice how the most difficult part of the training was always just around the corner? During orientation I remember being told that the second week would be the hardest. And then during subsequent weeks we continued to receive assurances (warnings, really) that we were approaching the hump, after which things would get a little easier. Did anyone else notice that the hump, and therefore things getting easier, always stayed just ahead of us?

Being the inquisitve type, I made some inquiries. Specifically, I tried to find out if the regularly post-poned impending difficulties were being pushed back due to a failure among the staff and teachers to get their stories straight or if it was part of a mysterious master plan. The closest I came to an answer was an entreaty to "trust the process." With begrudging optimism I followed that advice and continued my practice without protest.

Well, here we are, finally, at the end of nine weeks. Can you believe it? Looking back, one might be tempted to compare and contrast the weeks with each other and make a final determination as to which was the most difficult and exactly at what point things became easier. But to do so would be futile because, as most of us have figured out by now, it doesn't ever really get any easier. What would be the point?

Thankfully, my trust of the process has proven to be well founded. Further, I have come to realize that, to paraphrase a popular truism, it is the process which is the reward. The process IS the Bikram method and it is only by believing in it and engaging with it, wholly and sincerely, that one can gain maximum benefit.

Of course, I could never have survived the process without the aide and assistance of my fellow students to whom I now stand here to offer thanks.

I Thank you...

for your patience when I was stuttering through my dialogue

for your compassion when I was crying and freaking out

for your empathy when I was in pain

for your laughter when my jokes were really not that funny

for your tolerance when I was ranting and raving through the male version of CIA or CBS or PBS or whatever you call it

for looking me in the eye and smiling hopefully when we were both exhausted, pissed off and ready to go home

I am honored to stand in your ranks and proud to think of myself as your peer.

I ask you, the class of Fall 2001, to join me today in offering heartfelt gratitude and enthusiastic appreciation to our profoundly learned guest lecturers, the many talented teachers, the extremely hard working volunteers and staff, and especially to Rajashree and Bikram Choudhury. We thank you all for defying our assumptions and deflating our expectations. For your support, your wisdom, your encouragement, your generosity, your sympathy (Did I say sympathy?) and most of all, for your selfless devotion to each and every one of us as if we were all flower petals blooming.

We are forever profoundly in your debt and hope you will accept as partial payment, our commitment to practice, our dedication to teaching and our loyalty to Bikram Choudhury, his method, his torture chamber, his right way.

It is with some sorrow and regret that we leave here today but it is also with much excitement and anticipation. The engagement is over and our hearts and lungs are anxious to begin a well deserved honeymoon."

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