Wednesday, October 31, 2001

hump day // [This mid-week transmission feels choppy and incoherent but I'm too frikkin tired to edit it. I also don't want to save it for later editing because then I won't have time to write about some of the other things I've got in my notes. Fuck it. Take it or leave it. I don't care.]

I was worried that the transition back into training mode would be difficult after Pam's departure Sunday night. As with many of my expectations, I was wrong. It only took until the fourth or fifth posture of Monday's morning class before I realized I was having a strong class. In fact, by finish, I ended up having my strongest class yet. In my last communique I mentioned some of the frustrations I have been feeling regarding a seeming lack of progress in my practice. I talked about this some with Pam over the weekend, too. I have been particularly disappointed with the lack of any noticeable increased stretching ability in my legs and hamstrings over the course of a year and a half of practice. It was therefore particularly satisfying to notice a significant improvement in two of my most challenging postures during Monday morning's class: Standing Head to Knee Pose and Standing Separate Leg Stretching. For those who know what it means; in the first case I'm kicking my leg out for the duration of the second set (not straight, but at least it's up and out in front of me), and in the second I am only about an inch away from actually locking my knees. Major feats, both, especially for a chicken legged geek like me and both of them seem to have occurred overnight. I wonder if it's a coincidence that my hips, pelvis, lower back and upper legs have reached new points of open-ness immediately after a conjugal visit. Probably not.

OK, I wrote that Monday night. It is now 24 hours later, Tuesday night. I had a major ass-kicking today and I feel like shit. One of our guest teachers urged us all to try practicing in a part of the room we've never tried before. I haven't been setting up in the same spot every class but I've been staying in the same general area so I took her up on the advice. I found an empty spot in the middle of the room that turned out to be empty for good reason. I'm certain it was ten degrees hotter than the rest of the room. I managed to get through the standing postures but they wiped me out so bad that my floor postures all took place in slow motion. I could barely move and I even had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I have never been closer to running from the room screaming but I somehow found the strength to finish. Actually, that's not entirely accurate -- I ought to say that the class finished me. I continued to move in slow motion for rest of the evening. I had a hard time eating and I couldn't pay attention in posture clinic. I am now faced with the decision of whether to get back onto the horse (determinedly), return to my usual area (cowering), or seek out a new spot entirely (innovatively). I'll think about it in the morning.

I cowered back to my usual area for today's morning class (Wednesday). Actually, I rationalized it out rather extensively and convincingly as the right thing to but I won't bore you with the details cause it don't make a difference to what transpired. In short, I got my ass kicked again albeit not so badly. For the afternoon class I went to yet another entirely new area and did OK but, for some reason, I'm struggling pretty hard with the classes again. I'm not sure what's going on. Up and fucking down. Today was hump day. The morning class was our 48th and after it was finished we were exactly half-way through the training session. I think my new-found difficulties are mental. I hate the fucking training session, I hate the fucking yoga, I hate the fucking heat, I hate the fucking smelly, sweaty room, I hate my stiff and resistant body, I hate the fucking constant and unsatiable thirst I feel, I hate my practice, I hate the fucking dialogue which is really a monologue written in horrible, broken english, I hate the fucking fucked up redundancy, I hate the fucking schedule, I hate the fucking piss-smelling walk to the garage, and I hate the fucking traffic in this overgrown parking lot of a city! Of course I don't hate all that, not really, but that's how I felt after class 48. Fortunately, after 49 I felt a little better. I've been approaching the training on a one-class-at-a-time basis and I have to admit that the first 4 weeks went by quickly. My practice has been growing and I've been enjoying much of the program even as I struggle with it. However, with the approach and arrival of the halfway point I have been focusing on the full course of nine weeks and where I am within it. The end result has left me feeling overwhelmed. I can't believe I've still got 4 1/2 more weeks to go. Is that all I've done? It feels like I've been here forever and that it will never end. I think I must narrow my focus again and approach each class and each day as a single moment of now and just live within it. In this afternoon's class Bikram gave me a correction for my bow-pulling posture and as soon as I tried to apply it I fell on my ass. The reason I fell on my ass was that my focus shifted away from the posture and onto a million other things (which I don't have the time or energy to explain). The point is that I had a focus and a concentration that was working and I lost it. Hopefully, I will soon regain it and find a groove.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh well, on with the show and all that.

Back atcha this weekend...

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