Sunday, October 7, 2001

return of the cockroach // Saturday afternoon. First week done. Ten classes done (there are supposed to be 11 per week but we skipped one on Monday). One out of nine weeks behind me. Ten out of 98 classes behind me. I'm trying not to count. Can you tell? It's almost 5 pm and most of my big plans for my first day off have been ignored. I did my laundry, took a nap and have been sitting on my butt reading a novel. Life is grand. Here's a quick recap of the week:

We are encouraged not to become attached to any one spot in the room for class but we are all doing it. With so many of us there are only about 18 square feet per person and naturally there are several coveted areas. The first area to fill up is the space front and center near Bikram's "throne," an elevated platform from which most of the teacher's begin their classes. Then the perimeter of the room fills up, particularly near the doors which are opened from time to time to let some cool fresh air in the room. Another prime location is directly under or near a heat duct. This is what I've chosen. Most people are afraid to get close to a heat duct but in truth I find it to be cooler due to the combination of moving air and sweat. At the start of the class it does feel hotter under a duct as the heat slowly begins to fill the room but later, after I've completely drenched my body, my shorts and my towel, the heat has pretty well dispersed throughout the room and the only escape from it is to be directly in front of a door as it is opened. Well, I don't feel the need to escape quite that badly and there are many people who appear to be having a more difficult time with the heat than I so I'm content to stand in one of the "hot" spots. I do try to remain emotionally detached from my preference, though, so that when I can't get my mat down in exactly the spot I was expecting to it's no big deal. Most people seem to have a similar attitude although there are a few people who get annoyed and downright comptetive with each other as they jockey for space.

My preferred spot(s) are also located on the far left side of the room where there are mirrors behind us in addition to beside and in front of us. It was momentarily disconcerting during Monday's first class to have the illusion of infinite rows of students extending as far as the eye could see in all directions but I quickly came to enjoy the sensation. Of primary import to this yoga is the practice of looking into your own eyes in the mirror and the multitude of bodies and faces actually makes it easier to do so. It's as if the physical bodies surrounding me are just a reflection of the illusory ones in the mirrors making mine appear to truly be the center of the room and of my universe. Until we get to the floor poses, that is. We try to stagger our positions so that no one is positioned directly in front of anyone else but there are so many of that that is virtually impossible. When laying on our stomachs, feet extended behind us, faces attempting to look forward into the mirror, it's more likely that we see the bottom of someone elses feet than our faces. Until we get to the leg lifting poses, that is. Then we get to see a lot more of our neighbors than their feet, believe me. Fortunately, it's helping my practice more than distracting it, though, because I find myself reaching a deeper spine bending than I would normally be able to achieve. The motivation to stretch the head back far enough to look at the ceiling is great.

It didn't take long for the first casualty to fall. As we were preparing for Tuesday's 5 pm class an ambulance came flying into the parking lot with sirens blaring and lights flashing. Someone had collapsed into unconsciousness in the front lobby before the class had even started. Apparently, the first two classes (Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning) caused enough of a strain for a woman to pass out. It turned out to be a serious condition and she remained unconscious through the next day and apparently hospitalized for at least a few days if not still. The only word we heard about her condition was through Bikram in his stilted English during the next day's class wherein he used her as an example of the importance of eating and drinking a lot during our practice. It seems that the woman hadn't been eating for some time, possibly fasting, and also was very dehydrated. Finally, he told us that the doctors had also discovered, "something in her blood that was poison," apparently some kind of pre-existing medical condition that was the primary factor. Still, he used it as an example to drive home the importance of more "people food" (steak, chili dogs, pizza, french fries, etc.) than "goat food" (salad, et al).

Tuesday was otherwise uneventful. The two classes, while still challenging, were not as overwhelming as the introductory one on Monday. It wasn't until Wednesday that I started wigging out a little. By Wednesday evening's posture clinic I was feeling fatigued, homesick, emotional, irritable, frustrated and horrified at what I had gotten myself into. I also was feeling rather anti-social. I began to wonder if this was the "wall" that I had been hearing I would run into. If so, I hadn't expected it so soon. I then began to wonder if it was just the first of many such walls which lay ahead and that caused me to spiral downwards even further.

I wasn't the only one having a bad day. Bikram "fired" someone in the middle of class Wednesday afternoon. We were between poses and he was talking about food. He asked a young man if he was a vegetarian, something he had already made clear he was against. The fellow just looked at him blankly so Bikram asked him again. Still no answer. You could see an almost panicked look on the kid's face as he tried to think of how to answer without saying the wrong thing. Bikram continued asking him to answer the question, getting louder and sounding angry. Finally, the kid mumbled something that I couldn't hear and Bikram told him he was fired, get out, go home. Apparently stunned, the kid moved very slowly, picking up his mat and towel and walking towards the door while Bikram kept yelling at him to move faster so he didn't have to look at him any more. We then resumed class and Bikram was chatty and light-hearted only saying about the incident that he knew from day one that the kid had a bad attitude, didn't like Bikram and didn't want to be there. It was the first time that Bikram had displayed anything less than joviality and good humor and it had a sobering effect on many of the students -- the mood in the locker room and during posture clinic that night was subdued. Not to worry - they kissed and made up before the next morning's class. Bikram made a point of letting us know that everything was all right and that the kid was back. He even gave him a little extra attention on one of the more challenging poses.

My moodiness continued through Thursday and I had my most difficult class of the week. I even had to run to the bathroom to vomit during the morning class -- I didn't actually puke, just a few dry-heaves and then I was back in the room and into the postures. Overall, my practice has been as challenging as it was when I first started almost a year and a half ago. I think I mentioned previously that I felt like I was in third grade -- that feeling grew. All my insecurities were coming out in full force and I had very little confidence in my practice or in my self. Prior to leaving Atlanta I had felt that my practice was strong and had much improved. By my fourth day of training all that was gone and replaced with worries and fears about my ability to continue, to graduate and, ultimately, to teach. Fortunately, I was able to begin to turn it around before the end of the night.

Posture clinic is the heart of the training. In addition to the practice itself we've been told that we're going to have classes in Anatomy, Philosophy, Biochemistry, Sexuality (he may been joking about that one (but probably wasn't)) and Business but they have stressed repeatedly that the most important element of the training is learning the Bikram dialogue. That's what posture clinic is for. One at a time, we have to stand in front of the class and talk four other students through each of the 26 postures using an exact dialogue of commands. Naturally, we are expected to memorize the dialogue verbatim. Unfortunately, it was written by Bikram himself and it is grammatically awkward. The flow in this yoga is in the movement and not in the words. The words, out of context, sound like broken and stilted english as spoken by someone to whom it is not a native language. Well, duh! Fortunately, when memorized and spoken as terse commands to be followed rather than as sentences, it works. It works well, in fact. After I delivered my first dialogue I still felt insecure and lacking in confidence. I was sure it went well only as a fluke and that subsequent attempts would be disastrous. Happily, and much to the improvement of my mood, by Thursday night I had delivered my first three dialogues successfully and it started to sink in that I can and will do this. I am going to become a teacher of Bikram's yoga. It seems to suit my personality and my abilities. My confidence is being restored and I can only imagine that it will continue to grow with each subsequent success throughout the next several weeks. And of course, every time I think that, I start to worry about what other "walls" await me...

Friday morning, Bikram interrupted class to show off his new alligator shoes from Bangkok. Thirteen hundred dollars. Not all the challenges in this training are physical. More about that later.

Although my fatigue has grown in the last couple days I am also feeling my practice grow with it. By Friday's afternoon class I was almost back to full operational mode -- I only faltered in the second set of triangle. Prior to training I had been at a level where completing all the postures was no longer a question and my practice was primarily about going deeper into them and deeper into my concentration. It wasn't until today, Saturday morning, that I completed all postures including both triangles. This is not to imply that I am able to go completely into each posture -- I still have the tightest hamstrings on the planet -- just that I am able to perform each posture to the best of my ability without sitting down or skipping any of the sets. My mood is also much improved. I was elated upon being let out early Friday (7:30 pm) and that elation continued today after our morning class. I now have the rest of the weekend to myself. I am exhausted and sore -- I feel like I do after a first day of skiing -- but I am in a great mood. I'm getting to know my body more than I ever thought possible and it is reassuring that the first week didn't kill me. My biggest accomplishments today were doing a load of laundry and writing this.

As long as this message has been, it doesn't even begin to convey all that I am going through and learning. I've really only touched upon the superficial aspects of an intensive process with many internal aspects. I hope to be able to write more as my energy increases.

[I wrote that yesterday and this morning I am MUCH more sore. Ouch. Time to invest in Ibuprofen, Ben Gay, Tiger Balm, etc... I crave a hot bath but my accomodations don't provide one. I also forgot a few things which I hope I'll have energy to write about later today...]

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