Sunday, September 30, 2001

reluctant acolyte // Holy shit! What have I gotten myself into -- oh wait, that's how I'm supposed to start tomorrow's email. Today was just the orientation. Let me start over...

I felt like a little kid about to enter the 3rd grade this morning. I was alternately excited and scared. My adrenal glands have hair triggers and it's common for me to feel a surge of juice in a variety of situations. I had about a 15 minute rush of it on the drive to the orientation. It may be one of the reasons I'm so exhausted tonight and feeling drained. In some situations I can appreciate a good adrenaline high but in many cases I wish I could turn it off. When I last lived out here (Bay area - 15+ years ago) I once had someone offer me some human adrenaline extract. It was the drug of the month at that time. I turned it down.

I'm more excited than I am apprehensive. I'm more confident than I am worried. I'm anxiously looking forward to the whole thing getting started and seeing how it unfolds. I've got some resistance that I'm going to do my best to let go of. I'm not a big fan of the guru thing. I enjoy learning from people but my anti-authoritarian tendencies get stirred up when respect, appreciation and gratitude start to sound like worship and adulation. I've never really wanted a guru. I'm not a follower. I'm not a worshipper -- of anything. Then again, it might just be a semantic thing. I trust my Atlanta teachers and I am willing to put myself in their hands. I trust this yoga and I am willing to put my body into it fully. I will probably learn to trust Bikram. Like I said, I'm going to do my best to lose the resistance. He'd just better not ask me to wash his feet.

I'm also starting to feel some resistance to continuing this journaling thing now that the training is about to start. In fact, that's all I have to say about it. You may stay tuned but I don't know what's to come next or when it will come, if at all. Perhaps it's time to be quiet for a little while....

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